If you ever find yourself living at Collinwood…

Yes, Dark Shadows is fictional. (So I’m told). But if, say, you find yourself taking a position as governess at the mansion by the sea owned by the Collins family, or they hire you to renovate the stables, or Mrs. Johnson finally puts her foot down and complains that one woman can’t dust all those damned rooms on her own, here are some rules to, literally, live by.

  1. Don’t go into the west wing. Ever.
  2. If a guy shows up looking strangely like a portrait of a man who lived 200 years ago shows up at the door, ask to see his ID. And check his dental work.
  3. Don’t go into the west wing. Honestly.
  4. If you see a light in the tower room and no one is supposed to be in there…just forget you saw it.
  5. If a friend shows up missing, check Eagle Hill Cemetery. They’re ALWAYS there.
  6. The correct response to when someone says “Let’s hold a séance” is “let’s not, and say we did.”
  7. West wing. I wasn’t kidding.
  8. When you hear the dogs in the neighborhood howling, lock the doors and windows and keep that cross around your neck.
  9. What the jiggery-fuck did I tell you about the west wing?
  10. Just because they’re dead doesn’t mean they’re going to stay that way.
  11. West wing. No.
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